There is no doubt that the choice of a life-partner is a vital decision.  It is the decision of a lifetime; you need to be successful in choosing your life-partner. No doubt there are many forces at work in this decision, the outcome of which is crucial, one of personal destiny.  What are these forces?  Let us consider them from the lowest upwards. The lower drives, unfortunately, are the most pressing and clamorous.  The higher forces are less insistent, yet they are the are the more reliable guides. 

1. Instinct  
 This is humanity's most basic drive, for we share it with animals.  A young person may imagine, at the onset of youth, that he or she has chosen the right life-partner.  This choice may merely be the result of propinquity, of being crammed together   in  public   transport  or  in overcrowded housing conditions.  Most typically, it can stem from the incessant stimulation of the modern media and , even worse, video, which shows highly provocative material. Even when simplicity and chastity are assumed to be present, the more powerful prompting voice lurking in the background is undoubtedly instinct.  It has its call, its heat, its treacherous currents, especially under the influence of external stimulation and internal hormonal activity. 

It is well known that young people at that age undergo a phase where they are inclined to have knowledge of the other sex.  So their attentions shift from one person to another in a changeability characteristic of that age.   Deception is very dangerous in this phase when we think we have chosen well and are proceeding towards a perfect marriage. However good our intentions, however keen we may be to please God, the strong voice of instinct makes itself felt at this age.  The truth, that instincts  alone cannot lead to the path of holy marriage, should be made clear.

The dangers of this attitude are clear enough, especially for the young girl, for it may lead to risky involvements and damaging results.  Consequently, young people passing through this phase need to be aware of the strength of their instincts, their acceptable limitations and the need to elevate them towards holiness and maturity.   Those envisaging marriage must not allow the message of physical beauty and sensual desires to determine the choice of life-partner.  These motives must be cut down to size, since "Charm is deceitful, beauty vain" (Prov. 31: 30) and the body returns to dust (Gen. 3: 19).

2.  Emotions
 This is the second set of drives.  Although they may seem finer than instincts,  they are, at heart, related to them.  Emotions are a part of the psychological system, and therefore, of necessity, of the natural system.

Consequently, we cannot rely on them as a sufficient guide in the choice of a life-partner.  Untrammeled emotions are subject to human limitation:  they are fickle, superficial, and tend to get us into tricky situations.

Fickle: Emotion is not spiritual, pure, sacrificial love.  It is a kind of trade-off: a relationship based on what you can  get  out  of  it.  It is a form of selfishness: you have a special motive for love.  You find in your partner something you are lacking, a resource you need and want to draw upon.  On the other hand, spiritual love carries on "in spite of ---", for it is a divine, self-giving love.  It is generous, giving without expecting a response, even without getting anything in return.  It can be compared to God's love, which prefers giving to receiving: it gives itself to the other.

Superficial: Emotion does not run deep in the human being.  Lovers get high   on  it   for  a   quickly    fading moment   as  it  is  superficial,  highly excitable, and not deeply rooted in the heart.  It is a facet of the spirit --- not of the soul, which is the most profound part of our human identity.

May Degenerate: Emotion, without the soul, may degenerate into bodily desires and sensuality at a rate which varies from one person to another, depending on that individual's concern for personal salvation, his/her struggle against sin, and the sanctification of married life.

From the above,  we can see that  emotion  is  not  suitable at all as the sole guide in the choice of a life-partner. It is true that in marriage love is essential, but it should be spiritual love raised above the emotions and stable in the face of all storms.

3.  Mind
 This is a higher power.  It distinguishes human beings from animals.  An animal has primitive instincts and emotions, but human beings are characterized by the mind and the spirit.   The  mind is a  noble gift of the Creator, yet it is substantially limited.  It cannot be the sole   arbiter  of  this   crucial  choice.

Can the mind really get to the bottom of things?  Can it, no matter how intelligent one may be, discover the depths of the chosen partner's personality and his or her character?  Can it fathom the unknown and the future and foretell what destiny is reserved for him or her, or for his or her life-partner?  So the couple and both their families have to think things through.  Yet the mind alone is not  enough  as a  guide.   True,  the mind ponders the suitability of both partners socially, ethically, economically, religiously, etc. What is possible and what is not?  What is fitting    and     what    is      not?

Nevertheless, the mind is unable to say the last word.
 

4.  The Soul
 This is the decisive element, the divine part in us, the power which links us to God.  By it we believe in God, gaze into His heaven and live His  commandments.   Therefore, the divine voice is the most important one.  The satisfaction of the soul is really crucial.  The only guarantees for giving the soul its opportunity to thrive, to move and to express its opinion are:
 

• Sincere and constant prayers in true surrender, in acceptance of God's will, with the conviction that God knows best and will choose the best and works out everything for our good, even though we do not realize this because of our very human limitations.
• Finding guidance in Christ's thinking in his Holy Gospel, as it shines in our hearts with a special light and gives us the power of discernment in controversial matters.
• Taking the advice of the father confessor, as the Spirit of God works through this holy Sacrament in proportion to the submission to the good Divine will.
• Giving opportunities for discussion with family members and friends capable  of  giving  the   constructive advice. Sharing our thought with others counteracts psychological tensions and their bad effects.  One should also be open to the Lord speaking through family, loved ones, and one's spiritual father.

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